Go Where the Peace is

Life is full of beauty-

Harvesting gorgeous vegetables from my garden

Spending time with my amazing grandkids.

Girls night at the movies with my family tribe of women

Curling up with blankets on the couch to watch a weekend mystery with my teen daughter, while sipping our bottled rootbeers.

Delicious morning hugs from my still-sleepy husband

Peaceful, contemplative Sundays

Meaningful time with great friends

Farm animals happy to see me every morning

Gentle, quiet companionship from a sweet dog

I love peace. I love kindness and generosity and wholesomeness.

I do not like turmoil.

Recently, I got verbally spanked by someone over an accidental misunderstanding.

It was harsh and not expected.  I cried later.

I love this person.

I've always respected her boundaries.

I've done my best to show kindness and be if not a great, then certainly a decent friend.

I'm very much an introvert, so I never feel that I'm a great friend or neighbor.  (I require too much alone time.)  However,  I try to practice what I preach to my kids- to be smiling and cheerful in the company of others, to be sincerely gracious and say 'thank you' as often as I can, and to apologize immediately if I'm ever aware that I hurt someone- even unintentionally. 

 I'm also definitely a little too huggy, at times.  Working on that.

I was really concerned that this person was so upset and tried my best to smooth things over, to make ammends and help her realize it was a misunderstanding.

My sincerest apologies seemed to only fall on deaf ears.

What do you do when you feel completely rebuked?

When your attempts at kindness go unappreciated and it seems no amount of authenticity or friendliness is enough?

It's often difficult for me to navigate this world in which we live.

I believe in being courteous, giving people the benefit of the doubt and treating others the way I'd want to be treated. (Which is, kindly.) I love people, am fascinated by their stories and wish everyone the best.

It is a rare thing for me to not like someone and if that happens, I try really hard to find something to like about them.

I believe there is enough for everyone in this world to find their level of contentment. (And that perhaps contentment, often, comes from unexpected sources or requires less than we think.)

I know that every single person is dealing with some degree of pain or doubt, sorrow or suffering. Fighting their own battles.

I truly wish them only health, happiness and peace.

I never wish to add more weight upon their shoulders. (Although, I'm sure I've been guilty of this.)

However, this misunderstanding I experienced later caused me to feel anger.

Anger over being treated so severely and having my friendliness swept aside as if it has meant nothing.

The fact is, the older I get, the more I want to call people out on their rudeness!

Their unfairness and crankiness.

Their forgetfulness of the generosity others have shown them,

Their pickiness or disregard for the work other's have put into something.

Their gossiping and trying to tear people down,

Always trying to 'one-up' others.

Weighing others down with their complaints.

Not allowing others to happily live their own lives.

Plain ol' drama. Because apparently, life is boring unless they're scrutinizing everyone else,  sensationalizing relationships or magnifying someone's faults.

I begin to think that at my age, having experienced and observed much, I have the right to call it like it is- to put them in their place if needed.

To be rude right back; which goes against every courteous skill I've honed in my lifetime.

And BOY, do I want to at times. I really, really do.

But here's the thing: I'm sure at some point in my life, someone- somewhere, has probably thought they could accuse me of things on that same list. Either because of some action or omission...or simply because they assumed something about me that wasn't true.

Pointing fingers and calling people out is a slippery slope.

After contemplating my experience and feeling reasonable once more,

I began to think on my course of action.

Here is what I know to be true.

More LOVE never hurts.

More LOVE can heal.

More LOVE, when given freely, forgives.

Family, friends, neighbors, strangers....I am free when I show forth an increase in love to my fellow human beings.

Because being a human is hard for us all sometimes.

So I will continue to love her and treat her the way I'd want to be treated... and do so free of any expectations.

And there it is- my peace is back.

Faith Versus Worry

I've always been a worrier, a 'people pleaser' and have suffered from many self-doubts.

It's not uncommon for me to agonize over every major decision,  whether I should have said something or not in conversations, or worry if I've done something to make someone else unhappy.
Truly, it stems from my desire to do the right thing, to teach my children good principles, to see everyone around me content, and for life to be peaceful.

The problem is, that over the past few years, life has heaped a number of unexpected difficulties upon us.  No matter how hard I tried to set it right again, to bring back the peace and contentment in the form we once knew, I couldn't.   This caused a plague of worries and doubts to descend upon me-I think because I felt it was up to me to bring back the happiness that we knew single-handedly.

Once I realized that there were some lessons to be learned from the life changes we were going through, and that I was slowly sinking into a pattern of worry that was unhealthy, I began to research ways to heal and reverse this trend.

In pondering how to overcome worry and doubt, I was led to a wonderful article by Kevin W. Pearson.  

It opened my eyes to the struggle I was having within.  I thought I was firm in having faith- faith in God, faith in our future, faith that all would be well.   At the same time, however, I was plagued by major fear, doubts and anxiety.

In my own mind, I thought if I could simply work out any possible future problems before they happened, I would be doing my part to work toward my goals.  

Instead, I realize,  a battle was raging within me: a battle between fear and doubt and FAITH.   

When I read his words, "Faith and fear cannot coexist." It struck a chord in me and I realized how true that really is.  As he says in his talk, "One gives way to the other."  In my own heart, when I would realize that fear and doubt were winning, I'd strengthen my faith to even things out.   This battle raged on and was wearing me out physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Another powerful truth was when he said, "We get what we focus on consistently".

 How many negative thoughts do we think in a day- even though we feel we're pretty positive people?   

My husband and I ran some errands in town the other day and I was letting him in on some of the things I had been internalizing and worrying over.  He was giving me advice, diffusing some of the negative self talk and helping me look at the bigger picture.   He asked me, "Do you even realize how many times you've said the word 'worry' in the past 20 minutes?" 
He was right!  

Trying to work out possible scenarios of the future is ridiculous when there is really nothing I can do to change anything now.   I'm learning that I can't help everyone, I can't make people happy, I can let go of things I have no control over, things that are past and stop worrying about things that may never happen!

A favorite funny (and so true) quote by Mark Twain- 

"I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."

I had heard this quote before, but was reminded of it yet again when speaking to Mindy Heath, who is author of the blog Living the Joyful Life.  She mentors people and I was the grateful recipient of a 30 minute free mentoring session.  She helped me put my thoughts in perspective and gave me some great springboard articles to read- including Elder Pearson's talk.  I highly recommend reading articles on her blog- they are so inspiring!

As I heal myself from this plague of over-worrying, over-thinking everything and doubting myself, I know I'm learning valuable lessons that I can, in turn, teach to my own children and others who may need them. 

 Now for the true words of wisdom from Elder Pearson's talk.

Here are excerpts that really stood out to me.  You can read it in its entirety HERE.   (Bold type added by me.)

"There is a quality of faith which develops as we focus all of our heart, might, mind, and strength. It is seen and felt in the eyes of a great missionary, a valiant and virtuous young woman, and righteous mothers, fathers, and grandparents. It can be seen in the lives of individuals young and old, in every land and culture, speaking every language, in every circumstance and station in life."

He says this is the "eye of faith...,  the ability to focus and be steadfast, continually holding fast to true principles, nothing wavering, even when the mist of darkness confronting us is exceedingly great. This quality of faith is exceedingly powerful."

 However,  he reminds us that God gave us agency to act for ourselves even though there is opposition in all things.   " And so it is with faith. It can be enticing to choose doubt and disbelief over faith."

"Faith and fear cannot coexist.

 One gives way to the other. The simple fact is we all need to constantly build faith and overcome sources of destructive disbelief. The Savior’s teaching comparing faith to a grain of mustard seed recognizes this reality (see Mathew 13 31:32). Consider it this way: our net usable faith is what we have left to exercise after we subtract our sources of doubt and disbelief. You might ask yourself this question: “Is my own net faith positive or negative?” If your faith exceeds your doubt and disbelief, the answer is likely positive. If you allow doubt and disbelief to control you, the answer might be negative."

"We do have a choice.

 We get what we focus on consistently. Because there is an opposition in all things, there are forces that erode our faith. Some are the result of Satan’s direct influence. But for others, we have no one but ourselves to blame. These stem from personal tendencies, attitudes, and habits we can learn to change. I will refer to these influences as the “Six Destructive Ds.” As I do, consider their influence on you or your children.

First is doubt. Doubt is not a principle of the gospel. It does not come from the Light of Christ or the influence of the Holy Ghost. Doubt is a negative emotion related to fear. It comes from a lack of confidence in one’s self or abilities. It is inconsistent with our divine identity as children of God.

Doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations. Chronic discouragement leads to lower expectations, decreased effort, weakened desire, and greater difficulty feeling and following the Spirit (see Preach My Gospel [2004], 10). Discouragement and despair are the very antithesis of faith.

Discouragement leads to distraction, a lack of focus. Distraction eliminates the very focus the eye of faith requires. Discouragement and distraction are two of Satan’s most effective tools, but they are also bad habits.

Distraction leads to a lack of diligence, a reduced commitment to remain true and faithful and to carry on through despite hardship and disappointment. Disappointment is an inevitable part of life, but it need not lead to doubt, discouragement, distraction, or lack of diligence.

If not reversed, this path ultimately leads to disobedience, which undermines the very basis of faith. So often the result is disbelief, the conscious or unconscious refusal to believe.

The scriptures describe disbelief as the state of having chosen to harden one’s heart. It is to be past feeling.

These Six Destructive Ds—doubt, discouragement, distraction, lack of diligence, disobedience, and disbelief—all erode and destroy our faith. We can choose to avoid and overcome them.

Challenging times require greater spiritual power. Consider carefully the Savior’s promise: “If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me” (Moroni 7:33)."

Content copyright © 2012 by Jessa at Graceful Landing